All's Quiet on the Western Front.....Sort of
by NightMare
Summary: The wrongest Sailor Moon parody you might ever read. Enjoy!


All's Quiet on the Western Front.....Sort of. 

By: 

Little one..... 

MWHAHAHAHA! 

Announcer: It was a quiet day in Tokyo, City, Tokyo. The birds singing, the bee's humming and rabid groupies chasing Antonio Banderas in frantic circles. Serena was walking down the street. 

Serena: hmm hmm....wait a second! 

Announcer: What? 

Serena: I don't wanna be dic...er....dubbed! I wanna be Usagi! 

Announcer:Well you'll have to ask the director. 

*Serena stalks over to the directors chair and the two have a fight throwing candy marshmellows at each other* 

Director: Ok ok, it's Usagi. Sheesh. 

Usagi: Thank you. 

Announcer:ANYWAY....can we get back on the subject? 

Usagi: Sure. Hmmm, I wonder what Mamo:chan is doing? 

* switch to Mamoru's apartment. He is trying on a corset. He turns in front of a mirror.* 

Mamoru: This does absolutely nothing for my figure, I think I'll try on the blue one. 

* picks up the blue one and puts it on.* 

Chibi-Usa: No, that's the wrong color. Let's try pink. 

*Mamoru winces but puts on the hot pink corset.* 

Mamoru: I really don't think it's my color. 

Chibi-Usa: Oh just put it on wimp! 

Mamoru: Oh all right. 

*squeezes in and Chibi-Usa pulls the strings tight.* 

Chibi-Usa:There. Now...where is that tape? 

*Hunts around the room until she finds a huge roll of duct tape. She tapes pillows on Mamoru's chest.* 

Mamoru: Oh...do you think I need a push-up bra? 

Chibi-Usa: Nah. 

* Mamoru skips to the corner of the room and picks the slinky red dress off of the chair. Then he giggles and slides it over his head.* 

Mamoru: I just feel so naughty! 

*Pulls a black wig over his head.* 

Chibi-Usa:Now for the makeup. 

* slaps on bright red lip stick, false eye lashes, mascara, sparkly eye shadow and enough rouge to make a clown blanch.* 

Mamoru: Are you sure I look all right? 

Chibi-Usa: You look fine. 

Mamoru: I guess we should get going then huh? 

Chibi-Usa: Pitch your voice a little higher. 

Mamoru: Like this? 

Chibi-Usa *under her breath.*: Sounds like Minnie Mouse. 

Mamoru: What? 

Chibi-Usa: Beautiful.... 

* They start to walk out of the apartment and meet Usagi at the door.* 

Usagi: Ummm, do I know you? 

Mamoru: Tee-hee. 

Chibi-Usa: This is Mamoru's new girl friend. Georgette. 

Usagi: What? Hey! Mamoru is mine you two timing little pillow! 

Mamoru: Tee-hee! 

Usagi: Is that *all* she can say? 

Chibi-Usa: Her mother dropped her on the head when she was a baby. Isn't that right Georgette? 

Mamoru: Tee-hee!! 

Usagi: Hmm. Gotta admit. She is kinda cute. 

Mamoru: Oh rally. Tee-hee! 

* scene change to Negaverse. Kunzite, Prince Diamond and Sapphire are standing at one mirror and brushing their hair.* 

Kunzite *whining*: Diamond...Sapphire is getting in the waaay. Now I can't see my illustrious seeelf! 

Diamond: Sheesh, will you move so Kunzite won't start crying again? 

Sapphire: Why don't you move? 

Diamond: Because I am so handsome I must bask in my presence! SO there! 

Sapphire: I'm cuter! 

Diamond: Are not! 

Sapphire: Are so! 

Diamond: Not! 

Sapphire: So! 

Kunzite: WAAAH!!!! I can't see myself! WAAH! 

*The three begin to argue. Emerald comes in.* 

Emerald: Will you stop? The king wants to see you. 

Diamond: Really? Last time you said they were having a Barney marathon! 

Sapphire: An' before that you said it was the ice cream man! 

Kunzite: And before that you said it was.....*sniffle*....was.....*sniffle.* 

All three: Leonardo DiCaprio in person! Waaaah! 

Emerald: Would I lie to gorgeous men like you? 

* the men look doubtful but leave.* 

Emerald: Hah! Suckers! 

*walks over to the mirror.* 

Emerald: Oh no! My skirt is three inches above the knee! It's supposed to be five. Oh well. Mirror, mirror on the wall, show me my kidnappees, Emerald's calls! 

* The mirror silvers then fuzzes and shows Marilyn Manson.* 

Manson: No! Not you again! 

Emerald:Sing for me baby. 

Manson: Fine. * Pulls out a banjo and plucks out 'Barbie Girl' while singing the song ' Female dog' in a Jim Carrey voice.* 

* Sapphire comes in.* 

Sapphire: Oh Emmy. 

Emerald: What?! 

Sapphire: The King wants to see you Emmy! 

Emerald :Yeah right! Don't call me Emmy! 

Sapphire: Don't say I didn't warn you. 

Emerald: Does he think that I'll fall for that? Continue my baby bunker bubber boo! 

Manson: Oy. 

King: PIIIII:KAAAAA:CHUUUUUUUUUU!!!!! 

* Emerald is zapped by a bolt of electricity.* 

Emerald: Coming sir! 

*Races out of the room.* 

Rei: Come on Minako! 

Minako: Oh. But I can't come out! I can't find my favorite red hairbow! 

* Rei looks in a drawer filled with red hair bows.* 

Rei: How can you tell the difference? 

Minako: This is the one I used to defeat that naughty zombie monster with in Russia. 

Rei: Ahhh. 

Michiru: Isn't she ready yet? 

Rei: Nope. 

Haruka: I'm bored. 

Michiru: Hunny bunny? 

Haruka: Yes, snuggle buggle? 

Michiru:Wanna go in the back seat and play doctor? 

Haruka: I've got the medical texts. 

* they giggle and race toward the car.* 

Rei: Ooook. 

Minako: Found it! C'mon! Lets go to the ice cream shop. 

Rei: I thought you were trying to lose weight Minako. 

Minako: Well, to lose it I have to gain it right? 

Rei: If you say so. 

* Scene change, a playground in Midgar.* 

Yaten:Where are we? 

Ryouga: Lost. 

Chibi-Chibi: Chibi! 

* runs towards the swings.* 

Yaten: Why did I let you lead the way? 

* A blond guy with a spiky hair style walks by and picks up a shiny orb thing.* 

Cloud: Uh-oh. My spidey senses are tingling! 

Yaten: Mine too... 

Ryouga: Could this be.... 

All: The third star light? 

* cheesy music in the background.* 

Cloud: Ummm...my name is Cloud Strife....who are you? 

Yaten: I'm Yaten, he's Ryouga and that's Chibi-Chibi. 

Chibi-Chibi: Chibi? 

Ryouga: Here. 

*Tosses Cloud a golden stick.* 

Cloud: What is this? 

Yaten: Just raise it into the air and shout pretty lady star maker planetary customary brought to you by Pepsi and Oreos power make up. 

Ryouga: and don't forget to take a breath afterwards. 

Cloud: Okey dokey. Pretty Lady Star Maker Planetary Customary Brought to You by Pepsi and Oreos Power Make Up!!!! 

* There is a flash of light and Cloud is now a female and in Star light uniform.* 

Cloud: No! What happened! Noooo! I don't waannna be the girll agaaaiiiinnn! Waaah! 

Yaten: What do you mean again? 

* Vincent walks by.* 

Cloud: Oh! My bat radar is going off. 

Yaten: Could that be... 

Ryouga: Possibly... 

All:the twelfth sailor scout? 

Vincent: I have a feeling I should be very afraid about now. 

* Turns around and runs away.* 

Yaten: You can't run from destiny! 

*Takes off after him.* 

Ryouga: Think of all the lives you would be destroying! 

* Follows Yaten.* 

Cloud: Yeah! Get back here! If I have to do it...so do you!!!! 

* Follows Ryouga.* 

Chibi-Chibi: Chibi-Chibi! 

* Follows Cloud.* 

Vincent: Ahhhhh! 

*Scene change. Ami's room.* 

Setsuna: Nice fish. What are they...pirahna? 

Makoto: Why don't you stick your hand in there and find out? 

Setsuna: You're just angry because I'm just so cooler then you. 

Makoto: You wish! 

Ami: You're having an argument. 

Hotaru: Yes...we can see that Ami-chan. 

Setsuna: I have a staff. 

Makoto: Oh really? And I thought you were a girl. Silly me! 

Setsuna: You're going to pay for that. 

Ami: You're going to fight. 

Hotaru: Ami....never mind. Hey...where are the cats? 

Makoto: I think they went to visit their friend Oscar something. 

* scene change. A bar in Seattle. A pink haired girl enters as well as a taller black haired girl. They walk up to a guy with so many earrings he looks like a walking soda can.* 

Frank: Hello, doll. 

Chibi-Usa: Hello Beans. I've brought my friend Georgette this time. 

Frank: I hope she likes to tango. 

Mamoru: Tee-hee!. 

Frank: My name lady is Frank N. Beans. 

Mamoru: Tee-hee!. 

Frank: Let's party! DJ the music! 

E.T.: Okay Franky baby! One hip hop hopeless Macarena rip off comin' right off. 

* Two men in white coats are dragging Mulder off.* 

Mulder: See!!! It'S A ALIEN! A ALIEN I TELL YA! 

Guy 1: surrre. 

Guy 2: We believe you. You just relax now! 

*scene change Negaverse* 

King P: Pikachu. 

Ash *in monotone*: He says he wants to do something evil. 

Emerald: What else is new? 

King P: Piiiikachu! 

Ash: He says you shut up. 

Diamond: What do you want, oh great Pokemon. 

King P: Pika! Pika! Chu! 

Ash: He says he has a job for each of you. Diamond you are to create a monster for the Sailor scouts to trash. 

Diamond: Yes oh wise and glorious one... can I get a new mirror too? 

Ash: Just get outta here. 

Diamond: Yes mommy! 

Ash: Sapphire you have the job of standing on your head until the blood runs from your ears. 

Sapphire: Yes sir! 

*snaps off a salute and bonks himself in the forehead.* 

Brock: Are you ok? K? K? 

Sapphire: Yeah, I just hit my head. Nothing vital there. 

Misty: You got that right. 

Ash: Emerald...you are to baby:sit King Pikachu's nephews. 

Emerald: and who are they? 

Ash/Brock/Misty: The Teletubbies! 

Emerald:NOoooooooOO!! 

Ash: Kunzite. Pikachu has something really evil in mind for you. 

King P: Pi Ka Ka Ka Ka Ka! 

Ash: He says...Mwahahahaaaa! 

* scene change. The star lights have finally caught Vincent and are trying to get him to transform.* 

Yaten: Please? 

Vincent: No! 

Ryouga: I'll get you a nice present. 

Vincent: Just stay away! 

Cloud: Don't make me hurt you! 

Vincent: Yeah right! That is the funniest thing I've ever heard! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!! 

Cloud: Oh shut up. 

* Chibi-Chibi walks up and tugs on Vincent's cloak. When he looks down she gives him a hang dog face with tears filling her eyes.* 

Chibi-Chibi: Chiiibi. Chibi? 

Vincent: Fine....you're just so cute. Yes you are. 

* Ryouga gives Vincent a bottle of nail polish.* 

Vincent:.... 

Ryouga: Open that and say....*takes deep breath* Final Fantasy Cross Over Major Copy Right Infringement Cutie Honey Gaaah Star Power Make Up. 

Vincent: Oook. Final Fantasy Cross Over Major Copy Right Infringement Cutie Honey Gaaah Star Power Make Up! 

* There is flashing lights and when the transformation is complete, Vincent is still a guy with a leather jacket, blood red shirt, leather pants and boots.* 

Cloud: That's not right! 

Vincent: Hey! Not too shabby. What are my powers? 

Yaten: You just stand there and look cool. 

Vincent: I can deal with that. 

Cloud: I demand to see the person who thought this up! 

Yaten: Sorry...that's classified. 

Ryouga: Anyway Vincent your group is called the Sailor Hangarounds. There are three of you. The other two should be on this planet somewhere. 

*Suddenly Reno runs by being chased by Sephiroth wielding the Masamune.* 

Cloud: I'm getting visions... 

Yaten: Could they be... 

Vincent: Do you guys do this a lot? 

Ryouga: yes. 

Yaten: Anyway. 

Cloud * whiny*: But my halter top is chafing! 

Yaten: Can we please get back to the script? 

Cloud: Fine. But I'm gonna buy some baby powder the next stop. 

Yaten: Could they be... 

Ryouga: The last scouts? 

* Sephiroth stops chasing Reno and they face the Starlights.* 

Sephiroth: Hey Clod! Your epidermis is showing! 

Cloud: It is? 

* blushes* 

Cloud: Excuse me. * turns around.* Hey! 

* The others sweat drop* 

Ryouga: Think fast. 

* tosses a can of hair spray to Sephiroth and a can of assorted nuts to Reno.* 

Sephiroth: What do I do with this? 

Ryouga: Press the button and say...wait a minute why do I always have to say it? 

Yaten: Ryouga this is not the time or the place to get into it. 

Ryouga: But....but....I want my Akane! 

* Curls his hand in his hair and begins sucking his big toe.* 

Yaten *sighs*: Sephiroth, say... Ancient insane weirdo who likes to wreak havoc and whose powers are provided by the friendly happy people who work at AT&T Star Power Make Up! 

Sephiroth: Gee...thanks. Ancient All Powerful Humble Ruler Who Has Really Cool Hair and Wreaks Havoc On Any Mortal Who Dares To Cross His Path Star Power Make Up! 

* Cool lights surround Sephiroth and when the sequence is complete he is dressed much like Vincent except in entirely black.* 

Yaten: Well whatever works. 

Cloud: You mean you could make up your own phrase thingy! That's no fair! How come I get a stupid one! Waaah I'm telling my mommmy! 

Sephiroth: Um, Clod, your mother's dead. 

Cloud: Yeah! Well your mother wears army boots. 

* Sephiroth rolls his eyes.* 

Yaten: Reno...you say. Mixed Nuts Star Power Make Up! 

Reno: Really Cool Turk That Women Drool Over Star Power Make up! 

* drunk looking lights. When the sequence is complete he looks like the other two except in white.* 

Yaten: Why don't anybody like my transformation things? 

Ryouga: Now my halter top is chafing! I wanna go home! 

Yaten: all right...ya big baby! Who wants to stop for ice cream on the way home. 

Cloud: Oh me! Me! Me! 

Vincent: Well we're to cool for ice cream. But we'll get some to make you guys feel comfortable. 

Sephiroth/Reno: Yeah. 

Cloud: Thanks... your so nice to me....wait a minute! I'm becoming sugary! I've been Aerised ed whatever! AHHHHH! 

*runs in circles.* 

* Scene change. Transylvania.* 

Diamond: Ahh. This is perfect place for my monster. New Ager Arise! 

NA: Oh...ok... but I really would like to finish listening to my nature CD. Then I have to consult my tarot and pray to the goddess. 

Diamond: Does the phrase 'get a life' mean anything to you? 

NA: No. 

Diamond: Thought not... Well go destroy something. 

NA: That's creative destructivity. It improves hand/eye coordination. 

Diamond: Whatever. Look, I have a recital to go to. 

NA: Really, you dance? 

Diamond: Yep. I'm gonna be the Sugar Plum Fairy in the New York Ballets production of the Nutcracker. 

NA: Ouch. 

Diamond: You're telling me! Wanna see my costume? 

NA: Sure. 

* Diamond runs off in the woods and comes back wearing a white tutu with white tights point shoes and a tiara.* 

Diamond: You don't think it's girlish do you? 

NA: No you're just getting in touch with your feminine side. 

* Diamond dances away and the monster begins destroying stuff.* 

* scene change in the bar.* 

Frank : Are you havin' fun? 

Mamoru:Tee-hee!. 

Frank: Cool! 

Mamoru: Uh oh! My spidey sense is tingling. 

Frank: Eh? 

Mamoru: Don't worry. I just have to go face a monster, throw a rose at it and disappear. Be back in a moment. 

( Scene change Transylvania. NA is destroying Rainforests and cruelly flicking monkeys out of sling shots.) 

Usagi: Moon Prism Power Make Up! 

Ami: Mercury Star Power Make Up! 

Rei: Mars Star Power Make Up! 

Makoto: Jupiter Star Power Make Up! 

Minako:Venus Star Power Make Up! 

Hotaru: Saturn Planet Power Make Up! 

Setsuna: Pluto Planet Power Make Up! 

Haruka: Uranus Planet Power Make Up! 

Michiru: Neptune Planet Power Make Up! 

Chibi:Usa: Chibi Moon Power Make Up! 

Chibi-Chibi: Chibi-Chibi Moon Power Make Up! 

Yaten: Healer Star Power Make Up! 

Ryouga: Fighter Star Power Make Up! 

Cloud: Hey wait! I shouldn't have to do this! I want to speak to my lawyer. 

Sephiroth: Clod, you don't have a lawyer. Your renegades remember. You're the bad guy. 

Cloud: Oh yeah. Wait a minute! You are. 

Sephiroth: I am what? Perfect I know. 

*preen preen preen* 

Cloud: Uhhh... yeah.... whatever. What was I gonna say again? 

Sailor Star Healer: You.... 

Cloud: Oh lookie! Cheese curls! 

*Begins chasing a bag of flying cheese curls followed by Sailor Moon and Sailor Venus.* 

Sephiroth: Hmph, puny mortals. 

* Begins gazing at his reflection in his Masamune.* 

Vincent: I don't have to do this. I'm cool. 

*strikes a pose. The remaining senshi shake their heads.* 

NA: C'mon aren't you gonna fight me? Please. 

Mars: See we would but we don't have the entire group. 

* a girl in a red dress appears and throws a rose at the monster.* 

All: Mamoru??!?!? 

Mamoru: Tee-hee!. Ooooh! Cheesy poofs! 

* begins chasing the errant bag of poofs.* 

Pluto: Aww, but I wanna have a battle and look cool! Waaaah..... Neptune-chan tell them to stop screwing around! 

Neptune: Sorry but me and Uranus are gonna play checkers! 

Jupiter: Eh? 

Uranus: The R rated kind. 

* All sweat drop suddenly something catches Neptune's eye.* 

Neptune: Yummy! Cheesy Curls! Yaaay! 

* begins chasing after the bag.* 

Uranus: Come back....ohhhh Ding:dongs! 

*runs the opposite way.* 

Sephiroth: I need a drink. 

Reno: You said it. 

Jupiter: My old boy friend! 

* Glomps on the monster.* 

NA: Gurrrg! Back! back you crazy thing! 

Mars: He's mine! 

Venus: I want him! 

Pluto: I don't really want him but I wanna beat the general tar outta someone dag nabbit! 

Jupiter: Alright then girls....lets fight. 

Yaten: Oh brother. 

Ryouga: Oooh...wow! Lookie! 

*points to a shopping mall across the road.* 

Yaten: Does that sign say what I think it does? 

Ryouga/Yaten: A clothing sale! EEEEE! 

* the two run toward the mall at top speed. They collide with the cheesy poofs and get tackled. Meanwhile a wondering merchant has set up a bar. Sephiroth, Reno and the Monster are sitting there downing martini's, watching the cat fight and discussing general evil deeds.* 

Sephiroth: And zen...heeee...there was a time that I killed Areissssseses with my swordie! 

* he laughs and reels in his barstool.* 

Reno: I did vors...er wors....er purse. WHoooo starssss loke attt dem.. Make's me wanna dance! 

NA: Shall we gentelmannnnn and ladies and purpliele things? 

* The three jump onto the bar and do the funky chicken. The monster falls off the bar and dissolves into ciders on the ground." 

Reno: ooooooh sparkly. I so cocoooool! 

Sephiroth: Am not. I am cooool and powerful and about to fall and go boom boom on my head. 

* falls off the bar.* 

Mamoru: Sephi-sama tee-hee!! 

Sephiroth: Gah! Keeple Awale. *Picks up a bar stool and throws it drunkenly. It misses Mamoru by a mile and conks Vincent upside the head.* 

Vincent: Hey now, was that nice? * Takes out his gun and began shooting at the floating pair of bunny slippers that are hovering over his head.* 

Mars: ummm...guys...the monster is vanquished. We can all go home now. 

* Everybody slowly leaves and the place is empty. A leaf falls to the ground and explodes in a violet light. From that explosion a door opens. Reno, who is still dancing spots it and comes closer. He is promptly run over by a insane couch followed by equally insane men. One with a bone in his beard. The other holding a electronic thumb. Reno jumps on the couch.* 

Reno: Wow. What a riiide. I'm going faasst. I wonder if this flight comes with free beer. Yummy.....alacahol..mmmm. 

* scene change, in Usagi's room. All the senshi minus Reno are there including the cats and a gigantic termite the outers are using as a throw pillow.* 

Usagi: Well that was interesting. 

Ryouga: I didn't get my clothing! 

Cloud: I didn't get my cheesy poofs. 

Sephiroth: I see a yelllow elephant sitting in my living room!! 

Yaten: Don't mind him, he's drunk. 

Setsuna: I wanted to fiiiiiigggghhhhht! 

Rei: Oh stop whining. 

Vincent: I am just amazed at the absolute coolness of myself. 

Ami: You're arrogant. 

Hotaru: Vincent....get over it. You'll never be as cool as me. 

Michiru: Yeah, they both got a chest as flat as an ironing board. 

Hotaru: Hey! I resent that! 

Haruka: You mean you resemble that remark. 

Luna: Guys.... 

Artemis: I feel like a cat nap. 

Makoto: I wanted my old boyfriend! 

Minako: So....anybody wanna play the new Sailor V game? 

* Everyone knocks Minako over the head with a mallet. She blinks.* 

Minako: I guess that's a yes! 

* Scene change, the Negaverse. Kunzite is looking horrified at what King P wants him to do.* 

Kunzite: But...but....that's just wrong!!!! 

Ash: Do it! 

Kunzite: Yes sir. 

* Runs away* 

Minako: Awww.. I don't wanna do this anymore. 

Makoto: Do what? 

Minako: I don't wanna watch this! I wanna watch Jeopardy 

Makoto: Je opardy? 

Minako: Yeah, Alex Trebek is a real hunk! 

*All facefault* 

~Fin~ 

Disclaimer: I own nobody in this fic. Every body knows who owns em..... I am not making any money...so bee-daa. 


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